Simone Gerber

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Memoriae Sacrum

I miss a lot of things…

But we ultimately acknowledge that everything, including people, especially those in our lives will also come and inevitably go. How they go and the circumstances around it may differ but, they will pass on.

My grandpa's passing and all that surrounding it put me into a deep place of turmoil for the months leading up to his death and for nearly two years after it. Finding he had a cancerous brain tumour, a life expectancy of roughly six months (maybe), a deteriorating mind and body and my step-grandmother messing around with his will, I was lacking time to properly process my emotions. This artwork was that time for me to work out all that had been unprocessed in my mind and to finally sit with all that had happened.

My step-grandmother took my ill grampa, who had been declared by not one but two psychologists and doctors that he was no longer of sound mind and could no longer handle his own affairs, to change his will. In this new will, she has completely written out my mother and aunt (my grampa's actual children) and instead given herself sole ownership to the home when previously she had usufruct rights. Why all of sudden change a will when he had written a perfectly good will just two years prior to his diagnosis? Nothing in his life had changed? And the timing of his deteriorating mental state and the appointment seems unbelievable. It seems pretty sinister right? Quite a lot of people thought it was unsettling, except for my step-grandmother and her three daughters.

This artwork is a reflection on my childhood with my step-grandmother, her passive-aggressive tendencies and her final moments with my grampa and the court proceedings thereafter his passing. In an attempt to process all that has happened in my childhood as well as his battle with cancer and the aftermath of the illegitimate will, I am attempting to find a sense of closure with this work. I want to grieve his loss without my anger for my step-grandmother overpowering those bittersweet moments. I want to get rid of my anger for her as all is over now for the most part. I want to comb through all that I knew about my relationship with her and acknowledge the toxicity amongst it all. I want to sit with everything and without distraction feel every bit of anger, loss and sorrow in my soul through the time-consuming process of stitching and sewing my feelings onto something visible.

I miss a lot of things but most importantly I miss the image of my grampa; on the beach with his dogs, at every little event or birthday, on his little scooter and at all the flee-markets. She’s tainted these memories and my hope is that through this artwork she no longer has that ability. I hope I'll be able to look more fondly at all things that I miss.